Coming Attractions

 

 

 

It has been almost two weeks without mom being here.  I am beginning to have better days more often, but there are always days that I wonder what I could have done differently.  I try to not dwell on what I could have done, or what I should have done to possibly save her life.  That just makes me angry and upset more than anything else.  I am trying to finish my semester before I get even more behind, but at night, my mind seems to drift back to the day she died.  Hearing the phone ring, and my dad in a panic on the other line telling me that mom had died.  That day will haunt me for the rest of my life, no matter what I am doing, and where I am...that day will be forever engraved into my memory as long as I'm alive.

I used to be afraid of death, I was afraid and worried about the people and animals I would be leaving behind.  However, after mom died my thoughts on death have changed drastically.  I am no longer afraid of death, because I know that when I die my mom will be with me to take me to Heaven.  I have been reading the book, "90 Minutes in Heaven" and in the book, the author is in a horrific accident.  The EMT's pronounce him dead, and leave him in his mangled car...the man sees a very bright light, and then starts seeing people he hasn't seen in years because they had all passed away years before.  He describes how beautiful this place where he has gone to is...he doesn't want to come back to life because he is so happy there.  I pray each night that my mom had a similar experience as this man did.  I hope that when my mom died that her father was there waiting for her along with all the other relatives and friends that had passed before.  I hope that Elvis Presley was there as well when she got there, and said that he was happy to finally meet her and welcome to Grace-land.  If there was anything in life that my mom loved the most, it was Elvis.  I hope that she is in a better place, with a full heart, and a healed body dancing to Elvis in concert up there.  I can hope that this would be the case, however, if it truly is I will never know, until it is my turn to die.

As I write this tonight, I am watching the movie, "For One More Day" on ABC.  The movie based on the book by Mitch Album...It's about a man who gets the chance to have one more day with his mother who passed away years before.  I think about what I would do with my mom if I had one more day to spend with her.  I think maybe I would take her to the doctor so that she wouldn't die, but then I think about what my mom always wanted to do...and that was to go see Graceland in Memphis.  I think that maybe I was greedy wanting her to go to the doctor so that she could stay around here longer.  However, I know just how much my mom hated going to the doctors, and the hospital all the time.  So, if I had one more day to spend with my mom, I would take her to Graceland.  I would book the best room in the Heartbreak Hotel across the street, and make sure she had the best tour of Graceland anyone could imagine.  We wouldn't worry about anything but having a wonderful time, and living life to the fullest.  We would eat the best food, see all the wonderful sights around Graceland, and just soak every minute up that we had left together.  It was my mothers dream to go there, so that is what I would want to do if I only had one more day to spend with her.  I would want her to enjoy every last minute of our time together, and be happier than she has ever been in her life.  My mom was always more worried about everyone else around her than she was about herself.  She took care of me when I was sick, she watched me walk across the stage for my high school and college graduations, she helped me through all the crappy dates that I have gone through, and has supported me 110% through anything and everything in my life.

I remember all the times I went with my mom to the doctor, she just wanted to go, get done what she needed to get done, and then go shopping either at a department store, or the grocery store.  One time I remember taking mom in to the doctor, and she seemed down and really sad that day.  She kept saying how much she hated being there, so I tried to get her laughing.  We sat across the room from each other and threw out all the nasty words we could think up for this quacky doctor...back and forth we went until mom was laughing so hard she thought she was going to pee her pants.  We would get quiet for a few seconds, so that we could hear if he was going to be coming into the room...then we would go back to the nasty names that we just made up off the top of our heads.  Sure, that was really mean and bad for us to do, but the doctor never gave my mom a chance in life.  He would come in, ask her how she was feeling, listen to her heart, ask her if she needed any medication and then tell her he would see her in 3 months.  I couldn't stand how he treated her, or for that matter, didn't treat her.  My mom deserved respect, just like any other patient that doctor saw.  Only problem was that this doctor didn't have respect for women, seeing that he wasn't from this country.  In his country, they don't have respect for women, and he thought he could bring that idea to this country.  Not with my mom he didn't...I finally got my mom to switch doctors this year.  She started seeing this new doctor, and he treated her with respect.  Unfortunately, he didn't have enough time to take care of her before she died.  We can't dwell on that now, as she is no longer in pain, she is no longer going to doctors or sitting in hospitals...she is young again...she is healthy and happy again. 

If I had one more day with my mom...I would help her live out her dream of going to Graceland and making sure she enjoyed every single minute there... 

     

It was a week and two days ago today that my mom died.  I have had good days and bad days.  More bad than good however.  Somedays, I feel as if mom is just in the hospital or on a vacation and I can't talk to her right now.  However, when the phone stops ringing, and everything is quiet, my heart just breaks into smaller pieces and the tears continue to fall.  I feel so lost and alone, I don't know how I will ever be able to go on without my mom in my life.  I wake up in the morning and ask God and my mom to come and take me too.  But, I can't go with them.  Everyone around me keeps saying the same thing, "it will get better", or "go on and make your mom proud".  Right now, I just want to be with my mom up in Heaven with my grandpa Arneson, grandpa and grandma Bonnin, my jr. high friend Krissy, and my dog, Sweetness.  I almost feel as if I am living in a really bad dream.  I see people I know in the grocery store and sometimes I don't even want to talk to them because I don't want to tell them what happened to mom.  I try to make it through the day by catching up on homework, or writing out thank you cards, but at night...night is a whole different thing.  I want to pick up the phone and call her to see how she is and what she had for dinner.  I want to hear her talk about getting ready to watch Grey's Anatomy or ER and what is supposed to happen on the show this week.  I have had such a hard time trying to focus on homework and even trying to remember to eat during the day.  With the holidays coming up, I am sure things will only get worse for me and my family with Christmas, my dad's birthday, and New Years to try and celebrate without my mom there.  I know she would want all of us to go on with our lives, but I don't think she ever knew just how hard that would be for each of us.    

Recently I have been dealing with the day-mares that come from out of the blue.  The day-mares (nightmares only during the day), have been rather disturbing for me.  Earlier in the week, I was on my way home from my parents house when I had a vision of my mom laying on a silver slab waiting to be cremated.  I saw her eyes were closed, and she looked white as a ghost.  However, I could hear her screaming that she didn't want to be cremated, and that I should stop them before it happens.  I got such a chill up my spine I had to pull into a gas station and just sit for a minute before I continued driving home.  Today, I had another one.  I was at the grocery store looking at the fruit when I had a vision of my mom laying on the bathroom floor at their home, with blood everywhere around her.  (which is what was described to me by my father as to what it looked like when he found her).  It was like I was right there, in the bathroom, grabbing my mom and shaking her to try to wake her up.  Then I saw the EMT's come in, try to revive her as I stood back and watched.  When they couldn't, I screamed at them telling them not to give up.  They then rolled her into a zippered bag, and put her on a stretcher to take her to the coroner.  I had to pretend I was looking at the grapes at the store while this vision came into my head.  I almost had to leave the store because I thought I was going to just drop to the floor and cry.  Everyday is different for me to try and figure out how to cope with this ordeal. 

I am trying to think about all the reasons that mom's death was a blessing.  However, all of the blessings don't even come close to all of the reasons to see this as a tragedy that could have been avoided.  I blamed myself for not taking her into the doctor sooner, and that I didn't push her more to get her to make an appointment earlier than Tuesday.  She had an appointment set for the day she died, and I think to myself that if only I would have gone over there on Monday and taken her into the hospital, maybe she would still be alive today.  I think about all the doctor appointments my mom had, and how much she hated going to them, and how she just wanted to have one week where she didn't have to go to the doctor.  I have came up with so many things I could have done that might have saved her, but sometimes I have to force myself to think that maybe there wasn't anything I could have done at all to save her. 

I do know that through all of this past week, I have seen a deeper side of death.  When I heard of the shooting spree at the shopping mall in Nebraska yesterday, I immediately felt a great loss for those people who had family members die there.  My heart broke for them, and what they must be going through right now.  I knew how they felt in a way.  They didn't expect their loved one to go shopping, and never come home again.  To never be able to talk to them, to tell them they love them...I know how that feels.  When 9/11/01 happened, I was stunned for all the people who died, but I never really felt it in my heart.  Now that my mom is gone, I know just how horrible those people must have felt, and how hard it had to be to know that for some of them, they will never get to see their loved one again because there was nothing left of them.  I don't know why it seems so hard for me to accept my mom being gone.  Maybe it is because there was no casket, no body to see or feel, no one to say goodbye to.  With my mom being cremated, I will never be able to see my mom again except in pictures that I have of her.  I don't know if I really have said goodbye.           

It's Friday, just 3 days after mom died.  Yesterday, was what I thought was a good day, I felt OK, I ate, and I was feeling as if mom was with me.  I have been waking up every morning at 4:29 AM.  I don't know why.  I can then go back to sleep, but when I woke up today at 7:45 AM, I just didn't want to get out of bed.  I just wanted to go back to sleep and pray to God that this is all just a horrible nightmare that I am having and that when I wake up, I will call mom and she will tell me what she is doing, and how she is feeling today.  But, it's not.  My mind, my spirit, and my body are just warn out.  I don't know how I will ever go on without my mom here with me.  How will I live without her?  My life has always included my mom, we did everything together.  How am I going to make it through the holidays without her?  Maybe God will see just how much I am in pain, and take me to be with my mom again.  I'm just so tired.  My heart aches without mom.  Only a few people have called to see how I am doing, but most of the people are worried more about my dad and my sister.  I know how hard it is on them because they didn't have the relationship with my mom like I did.  I know that they are regreting many things that they didn't do, but no one can change that now.  I am just so tired.  My mom was my life, and I was hers.  I told my mom everynight how much I loved her, and she told me the same too. 

How my life will ever be able to go on, I don't know. 

Mom, please come back, I miss you so much.  I should have taken you into the hospital, I know I should have.  But I didn't.  I will forever regret that I didn't come and take you in.  I could have saved you.  You would still be here today if it wasn't for me.  I failed you.  I am so very sorry.  Please, mom come back home.  I can't go through life without you by my side.  You were always there for me when I needed you, in good times and in bad.  You would always rub my back when I was sick, and took care of me when I needed you.  You dried my tears, and shared my laughs.  Please come home mom, I need you.  Now more than ever.  I'm so tired mom, please take me with you.  Don't leave me here alone.  Please come and get me.  I love you mom, please come and take me with you.  I can't live without you mom.  There is no one here for me mom, you were the only one who truly loved me unconditionally.  You never worried about yourself, you always worried about me and everyone else around you.  I'm all alone here mom.  Please, come and get me.     

Updated: 11/30/2007 Sharon Bonnin Sharon Bonnin, 63, of Eau Claire, formerly of Genoa, Ill., passed away Nov. 27, 2007, at her home. She was born March 9, 1944, to Evar and Betty (Stark) Arneson in Elgin, Ill. She attended Genoa-Kingston, Ill., area schools. Sharon married Douglas Bonnin in Genoa, Ill., on June 20, 1964. She worked as a clerk at Border's Books in Eau Claire. Sharon enjoyed gardening, reading and knitting. She loved Elvis, Bon Jovi and calling her grandchildren. Sharon is survived by her husband, Douglas; daughters, Peggy (Ed) Williams and Paula (Bryan) Bonnin & Nelson; mother, Betty Arneson; grandchildren, Amanda and Brendan Williams; brother, Robert (Carolyn) Arneson; grandpets, Mini, Max and Jagr. She was preceded in death by her father, Evar. A memorial gathering will be held from 4 to 7 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 1, 2007, at Stokes, Prock and Mundt Funeral Chapel, Hwy. 12 East in Altoona.

Monday night, 9:15 pm, was the last time I talked to my mother.  She was so tired, and said it was from her medication.  However, I tried and tried to get her to go into the hospital that day, and she just didn't want to go.  She told me that she was going to go to bed early because she was so tired.  I told her that I loved her, and she told me that she loved me too.  Those were the last words I heard from my mother. 

Tuesday morning, 6:25 am, dad called me.  He said, "Paula, it's dad, your mom's gone.  She's dead."  She was on the bathroom floor with blood everywhere around her.  Her blood had been so thin because of her heart failure, that one little scratch, or even a paper cut, and she would have bled to death.  The coroner said that is what happened, she had a scab on her leg from the cellulitus, somehow it came off, and her blood was so thin, that there was really nothing she could have done.  She didn't fall, so it was as if she just laid down and fell asleep on the floor. 

I was numb.  Every thought I had in my mind was that it was just a horrible nightmare and I would wake up soon and everything would be OK.  But, it wasn't a bad dream.  It was very real. 

Prior to my mom's passing, I took care of my mother for many years.  Taking her to her Doctor appointments, to get her medicine, or to go to the lab so they could take blood to make sure everything was working OK in her.  I would stay with her in the hospital when she had to be in there for one reason or another, I made sure she had all the things she needed, and made sure I got her something nice for her from the gift shop every time she had to stay there.  I would get her anything from her favorite Linder chocolate candies, a magazine with George Clooney or "Dr. McDreamy" on it, or even just a little stuffed animal for her to have with her.  We took care of each other.  When I needed her, she was always there for me, and when she needed me, I was there for her.  We did everything together.  Some people would say that we acted like sisters instead of mother and daughter.  We went to MN Wild hockey games, figure skating shows at the Target Center, the Mall of America, the MN State Fair, to concerts, movies, plays, or just to the local mall to walk around.  We did so many things together that I am glad that I got to do that with her.  Those moments that my mom and I spent together, will help me to get through this, and know that my mom is with me even though I can no longer see her, I know she is here.  It took me a couple of days to feel that, but it came all of a sudden.  I know mom wouldn't want me to be upset, and crying all the time.  She would want me to be happy, finish my Masters Degree, and go on with her by my side always.  It is difficult not to be able to talk to her and actually hear her voice, but I know that when she wants to talk to me, or wants me to know she is here, she will show me in one way or another.  She always took care of me, as I did with her.  I know how hard it would be for me to say goodbye to her, so I have decided that I don't need to say goodbye.  I know that her physical body may be gone, but her spirit will always live on, inside my heart, my mind, and my memories.  Right now, I am sitting in the living room with her favorite Elvis scrub top, her favorite long sleeved "Jail-House Rock Penitentary" shirts on, and I am cuddled up in her Elvis blanket that I made her for Christmas last year.  She slept in it every night.  I can still smell my mom, and that is one thing that is keeping me going right now. 

Her memorial service is on Saturday, and I don't know if I am so much ready to go or not, but I know she will help me to make it through it.  She always helped me through anything. 

I will write more tomorrow, as I am tired right now...I need to try to keep my strength up or I won't be any help to anyone. 

 

Mom, I love you...I will always love you with all of my heart and soul.  Don't ever forget that. 

       

Once spring arrived, I weighed myself and was at 145 pounds.  I vowed that I was going to lose what I like to call my "winter weight" before August.  Which was 15 pounds...  After losing the candy, and calories, I am now down to 134 pounds.  I have been eating 100 calorie treats when I get the sugar craving, for breakfast I eat Special K Eggo Waffles, and I try to walk the dog atleast 3 times a day.  (weather permitting).  I like the way that I can still eat good food and not gain weight!  I have been eating more fruit, vegetables, and drinking TONS of water!  I think that is one of the best ways to lose weight, just drink a lot of water!  I am hoping to lose at least 5 more pounds before the end of July!  So, here is to my summer diet, and getting back into the jeans I wore in college!  (they are a size 8, so I don't think that will be a problem!!)

 

I will be back to update soon!

 

~Peace