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    4/4/2007

    More New Title Ideas...

    Hi Everyone!  I have been thinking long and hard about some new titles for this space....I had a few before but came up with some more as I was driving this afternoon...
     
    Let me know which ones you like!!  Thanks a bunch!!
     

    Cowboys, Love, and Memories

                Lassos, broken hearts and dreams that never were…

     

    Heart to Heart

                Old Memories and Reoccurring Nightmares

     

    A Thousand Memories

                Straight From the Heart

     
     
    Peace~
    Paula
     
    3/8/2007

    Knock One Down, and They Start Lining Up!

    Wow!  What a week it has been!  I had an interview on Tuesday that went great, now I have another interview for another company next week Friday!!!  This is awesome!  I am so happy that I got mom on CHP so that I can start working in a real job for a change!!  Taking care of my mom was tough, but it was rewarding to take care of her!
    Next week is going to be just as busy as this week was, so I am going to rest as much as I can so I have my "job face" ready to go for another interview!  I will hear tomorrow about the interview I had on Tuesday, so that will be good too!
    It is my birthday next week, so I am looking forward to that!  I don't know why people are afraid to get older...I look at it like people look at wine...it gets better with age!  And, so do we!  
    My doctor took me off one of my anxiety meds two weeks ago, and I am doing really, really good so I am looking forward to my next appointment to see when I will begin knocking my other medication down.  My life has not been fun dealing with anxiety...however, it could have been much worse than it has been!  I know that I am not the only person in the world who deals with any type of mental illness (can we say Britney Spears?), and that makes me feel better.  Besides, I think Britney HAD to be mentally unstable when she married Kevin Federline...he is definately NOT someone I could ever see her with!  I could see her with Justin Timberlake, but Kevin Federline...dang...it's like she had to lower her standards or something.  Ewwww...
    (THAT IS MY OWN OPINON, I DO NOT EXPECT OTHERS TO FEEL THE SAME WAY...PLEASE DON'T SEND ME NASTY COMMENTS ON THAT...)
    Otherwise, life couldn't be better...ok, I have had a little flu bug lately, but I think it will go away soon...I feel better in the afternoons and night time (after I eat something), so I think it might just be my lack of sleep, or the fact that I have been off of that medication for 2 weeks now.  So, all will be fine! 
    I am still brainstorming ideas for my "space" re-naming...so keep the ideas coming...who knows, I might like it and use it!!  Thanks~
    *Peace*
    Paula  
     
    3/4/2007

    Life in the Dating Lane is changing....

    Hi everyone!!  I am just debating on a much needed renovation to my site...I think it is the right time for a major change to the Dating Lane...I have been "off road" on the Dating Lane for over a year now...yes, believe it or not...and I think it is time to dust this place off, shake things up a little bit and brighten it up a little bit!  I know that I have been known for the name of my place and my writing on bad past dates...but as time goes by, things change, people change...and life moves on to bigger and better things!  Thus, the time has come to make a change...and make a change for the better...
    I have a few ideas that I want to throw out there and see what you all think!  So, here are some of my new space ideas, let me know which
    one(s) you like:
                                                           Welcome to the Jungle ~ Come Take a Walk on the Wild Side
                                                           Life is a Highway ~ Come Take a Ride With Me
                                                           Face Your Fears ~ Living with Anxiety
                                                           Welcome to My Nightmare ~ Jump in, the Waters Warm
                                                           
    I am still coming up with more, so when I get more done, I will post them on here.  Let me know what you think of these!  If you have any cool ideas, please...let me know and I will check them out!  Thanks!!!! 
    It's a busy week this week...lots of stuff to do!  Job interviews, mom's birthday, doctors appointment, meetings, meetings, and more meetings...so, it will be a great week!!! 
    Hope you all have a great week as well!!!
    Peace~
    Paula
     
    2/28/2007

    Happy Thoughts.....

    Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously:

     

    1. A day without sunshine is like. Night.

     

    2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

     

    3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

     

    4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

     

    5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

     

    6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

     

    7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

     

    8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

     

    9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

     

    10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

     

    11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

     

    12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

     

    13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

     

    14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

     

    15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

     

    16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

     

    17. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

     

    18. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

     

    19. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

     

    20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

     

    21. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

     

    22. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

     

    23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

     

    24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

     

    No, I didn't make these up...I found them on a website and thought I would brighten everyone's day today!  Besides...the sun is out, it is beautiful outside...and tomorrow we are supposed to get 6 more inches of snow....AH, the joys of the season....

    2/20/2007

    Understanding

    As most of you know by now, I have lived with panic/anxiety disorder all of my life.  However, I am finding it quite amazing that there are still some people out in this world who do not understand nor do they apparently see the plethera of commercials for the anti-depression/anxiety medications on the market today.  This "gift" that was given to me when I was born is NOT something I would ever have asked for, or even wish upon my worst enemy.  Until you have a panic/anxiety attack, you will never truly understand what people who have this "gift" are going through.  Most people like me look normal, healthy, outgoing, and full of life.  For people like me, it is what people cannot see that we live with each and every day. 
    I have had my share of the medicine out on the market today.  While in college, I was on what I like to call the "drug merry-go-round".  The doctor would give me a new medicine to try, and if I had a bad reaction to it, would immediately switch me to something else.  I have been on Paxil, Remron, Zoloft, Seroquel, Hydroxizine Pamoate HCL, Clonazepan, Effexor XR and many, many more.  The only ones that have subsequently worked for me...Effexor XR (150mg), and Clonazepan (.5mg).  I was origonally diagnosed in 1998 before I went off to college at UW-Stout.  When I was a child until then, I was given incorrect diagnosis because at that time, no one was really focused on the brain and how messed up it could really be.  I was diagnosed with everything from Acid Reflux and given Zantac, to Upper GI Upset and told to take TUMS to get rid of it.  I hate TUMS to this day because someone who went to school to be a doctor couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me so they tell me to take TUMS!!!  Yes, sometimes I questioned WHICH Cracker Jack box they got their licence out of. 
    Growing up in a home with an alcoholic father, I learned that I was "the fixer" in the family.  Always worrying about someone getting hurt, or being upset, so I would step in and "fix it".  I worried constantly.  I worried that my sister, or my mom would get hurt or something would happen when I wasn't home and I then would panic, and not want to leave home.  As a child, I never wanted to go away from home, no summer camps, no sleep-overs, nothing that would take me away from home, incase something happened.  Granted, nothing ever did happen except for a lot of yelling, screaming, fist pounding on the tables, and my sister and I hiding out in the bathroom, crying and plugging our ears so that we wouldn't hear the fighting.  When I went off to college at Stout, it was the first time I had moved away from home.  Fall of 1998, I was 23 years old.  
    In high school, I remember going to the state basketball championships in Madison.  I was the school mascot (a Husky dog) at the time.  I almost couldn't get on the bus.  I was so anxious, I threw up before I even left school that day.  I remember my mom talking to my friend Teresa and telling her that I would have a hard time, so my mom asked her to "keep me busy, talk to me, and keep my mind off of being away from home".  Teresa did that, and we stayed in the Round Barn Inn down in Spring Green, WI.  I was a wreck.  Although my boyfriend was down there with his buddies, and we all met at one of the malls down there, I was still homesick.  I worried about mom, I worried about dad getting drunk and doing something to mom or the house or to my dog, Sweetness.  Once the games were over, we got back on the bus and got back home in the middle of the night.  I was so happy just to be home again.  During most of my junior high and high school time, I was a pretty "normal" kid.  I was in choir and show choir.  I loved singing...but today, I would never be able to get up in front of a ton of people and sing because I would panic the whole time.  I don't know how I ever did it back in junior high or high school, but I am glad I got to do it then.  
    I will be 33 years old next month, and I try to look back on my life and see what I have done.  I try to find the good things that I have accomplished in my life and not focus on the bad things that I went through.  I went for almost 2 years without a MAJOR panic attack.  In a previous blog, I mentioned the panic attack I had at the end of January which by far was one of my worst in a long, long time.  Then, a couple of weeks ago, I had one that was not as severe, but to me, it was still a set-back.  Along with the panic, comes severe depression.  I get angry at myself that I couldn't control the panic, I am sad that I thought I was doing so much better, and I feel like I take two steps forward without an attack, and five steps back when I do. 
    After talking to other members in my family, I have come to learn that this wonderful "gift" was actually hereditary.  Yes, folks...I got this from WAY back in the gene pool.  My grandmother had it, my aunts and cousins have it...it is a gift that no one wants, but has no choice but to take.  For the longest time, I thought I was the only one who had this, I felt alone, and like I was the only one on the planet who was like this.  Today, MILLIONS of people have it.  I still am working on my anxiety, I go to therapy twice or more a month depending on when I can get in with the doc, I go to a group that is working on the "Attacking Anxiety" program from Lucinda Bassett...I am trying to live.
    For those of you who have this "gift", know that you are not alone in this...and for those who don't...please don't judge what you cannot see. 
    2/16/2007

    It's Friday!!!

    Hello!  Happy Friday everyone!  Today I go in for surgery at 1 pm (CST) and am a little anxious.  It is just to remove cysts, but still...it involves a knife.  I am sure all will be fine, and I will be back up and shopping again this weekend. 
    Say, just for a funny thought...has anyone ever driven 900 miles with an adult diaper on?  HA!  That story just cracked me up.  Talk about needing to be medicated!!  I think on her last space trip, her oxygen must have been cut off!!!  That is absolutely nutty!!!  And, to think...she went up in space.  WHAT DID SHE SEE UP THERE???  Was she abducted by aliens?  Maybe they forgot to remove their probe afterwards!!!!  Woah!  She flipped out, that's for sure!!!
     
    Not much else going on around here...same stuff, different day...
     
    Hope all of you are having a great Friday!!!!
     
    Peace ~
    Paula
    1/23/2007

    My Thoughts on Blue Monday

    So, someone said yesterday was "Blue Monday", the most depressing day of the year.  Personally, I thought that September 11, 2001 was the most depressing day, or what about the day Princess Diana died, or former President Ronald Regan's death, or even August 16, 1977...the day Elvis Presley died.  All of these days would be depressing for me (even though I was only 3 when Elvis died).  In fact, for me...it doesn't take a major event to be depressed.  My depression has become worse as time goes by, with my anxiety, and my mothers poor health, it is hard not to be depressed.  With being diagnosed with S.A.D., or seasonal affective disorder I don't think there has been a day that I haven't been somewhat depressed.  Sometimes I think the combination of the weather, the news, and everyday things make life more depressing all together.  Sure, when you don't see the sun for weeks, and the news talking about more soldiers dying in Iraq...WHO WOULDN'T BE DEPRESSED??  I read that article before I put it im my last blog, and was pondering the suggestions.  Go to Austraila.  Sure, let's go.  When do we leave?  Wait...doesn't Russell Crowe live in New Zealand?  So much for that idea...  Next idea...get a light box.  I already have the natural light bulbs...they do nothing for my mood.  Another idea...try a good book and a glass of wine.  Hum....the last book I read was "Dear John" by Nicholas Sparks.  I cried after I read it and was more depressed than when I started.  As for the wine...I can't drink alcohol so that won't work.  Exercise...it can change your mood.  HA!  I took the dog for two walks yesterday and all I got was a runny nose and cold feet from the snow and cold temperatures. 
    My thought...HIBERNATE.  Just crawl into bed until all the snow melts, the sun is out and the temperature stays above 40 degrees!  If the bears can do it, why can't we?     
    So, until then...keep your head up, a smile on your face, and come on BE HAPPY! 
     
    YEA RIGHT.....
    Peace~
    Paula

    Blue Monday

    The weather is bad, the nights are still long and your Christmas overspending has finally caught up with you.

    On top of that your New Year resolution to give up smoking has just gone out of the window as you strive to cope with the pressures of having gone back to work after the holiday break.

    So welcome to "Blue Monday" - Monday, 22 January - officially designated by a psychologist as the most depressing day of the year. It has been singled out by Dr Cliff Arnall, psychologist and former tutor at Cardiff University, who has used mathematical equations to reach his verdict.

    He worked out that people are most likely to get the blues in the final full week of January because of the combination of bad weather, Christmas debts and broken New Year resolutions. There seems to be some backing for his theory, too.

    Phillip Hodson, a fellow of the British Association for Counselling, said: "The worst day has got to be a Monday - there is other evidence to show it is the worst day of the week.

    "Our bodies work on a 25-hour clock so that - by the time we get to the weekend - we stay up later. That makes it difficult for us to go to sleep on Sunday and we wake up grumpy.

    "It's also got to be around this time of year - we are less contented with our body image because we've been bingeing."

    Samaritans spokeswoman Kate Redway added: "Sadly one in five people in the UK experiences depression and this time of year can be particularly difficult, with people in debt after Christmas and finding it hard to settle back into a work routine during dark days."

    And the forecast gets gloomier. Meteorologists were last night predicting the worst weather of the winter - with snow, sleet and hail hitting most parts of the UK, as the unseasonably mild temperatures plummet. MeteoGroup forecaster Michael Dukes said: "Temperatures are going to plummet - there could be snow almost anywhere."

    Happily help is at hand, though, and there has even been a website set up solely for the purpose of beating the blues this Monday morning - www.beatbluemonday.org.uk.

    Suggestions posted on it include: do some exercise, talk to someone about your problems, sit down with a good book and a glass of wine, go for a walk in the country or go for a run - you will feel a sense of achievement if you manage a mile. Of course, not everyone subscribes to the theory that today will be the bluest day of the year.

    Newspaper "agony aunt" Virginia Ironside admitted: "I think there is a general assumption that we all feel a little glum after Christmas. But I'm not sure it can be justified to pick out just this one day. The idea that it is the weather and money that makes you feel depressed - I think that is a little crass." However, she said there could be something to be said for officially designating the day "Blue Monday".

    "When one is depressed, one is so enveloped with the idea that nobody else in the world is as depressed as you," she said. "It's quite nice there is a day when you realise other people feel depressed and feel just as bad as you. It might help you feel better."

    The other advantage of having one day identified as being the worst in the year for depression is that it might make people feel good when they get through it and wake up on Tuesday morning, other experts argued.

    Dr Stephen Joseph a psychologist at the University of Warwick, backed Dr Arnall's theory. "I haven't come across the idea before," he said, "but I think there is a seasonal effect on people. It's an interesting theory." Dr Joseph has been engaged in a study aimed at finding out how people can achieve happiness. His advice to those feeling the blues this morning was for them to "practice gratitude exercises".

    "Sit down for about 15 minutes and write, say, three reasons why you should be feeling grateful," he said. "For instance, you could say you are grateful for your friends and the time you have spent with them, you are grateful for your health, grateful for that Christmas gift you received last month.

    "There are a number of experimental studies which show that gratitude exercises - spending a little time of the day thinking about things you should be grateful for - can lift people's moods in the long term. They do get happier.

    "It's a very important thing and - if there was one message that I'd like people to take today to help them - it is to spend some time on this positive type of thinking. People who do it often do it for far longer than the period of the exercise - and feel happier as a result."

    If you want an hour-by-hour blueprint showing you how to get through the day, why not try the following? Start the day with a good breakfast because, according to nutritional expert Fiona Hunter, that can help put you in a good mood.

    "A healthy, balanced breakfast helps set you up for the day ahead in more ways that one," she said. "It reduces stress levels and helps you think straight by boosting concentration and mental performance to help cope with the morning rush. It prevents depression and mood swings."

    Once on the road to work, the RAC Foundation has come up with a series of measures to continue the battle against the blues.

    These include focussing on doing stretches and shoulder exercises if stuck at traffic lights - rather than gnashing their teeth at other motorists and shouting at them.

    It is calling on them generally to relax by allowing fellow drivers into spaces instead of competing with them - or work from home if at all possible.

    "We hope motorists will rise to the challenge of 'beat blue Monday' day and find ways of beating the commuting blues," said the foundation's chief executive Edmund King.

    "Travelling smarter rather than longer is part of the answer, while putting a great song on the stereo is a proven mood-lifter."

    (NB: Songs you should avoid are "Monday, Monday by the Mamas and the Papas and "I Don't Like Mondays" by the Boomtown Rats.)

    Then, at the office, why not deck the place out to make it look a little brighter?

    You could take a leaf out of PR consultancy Green Communications' book. Today they are decking their offices out as a beach complete with sand and deck-chairs for the staff to conjure up an image of summer aimed at making employees feel better.

    During the rest of the day, the Church of England has some interesting tips for Lent which you could employ to enable you to feel a glow - such as leave money in a shopping trolley for someone else to find or give up your place in a queue to someone in a rush.

    Once back home again and the advice from the blogger on the www.beatmondayblues.org.uk site who says: "I find that sitting down with a good book and a glass of wine always cheers me up" could come into effect.

    Before you know it, it will be Tuesday.

    Ten ways to beat the blues

    1 Make sure you get up, get dressed and try to look good - don't leave off make-up.

    2 Make a list of those you know, and how you affect their lives in a positive way.

    3 Exercise - it can change your mood.

    4 Remember it is "Blue Monday" - you are not the only one feeling blue.

    5 Indulge in a gratification exercise - take 15 minutes to write three things you are grateful for such as your health, Christmas presents and friends.

    6 Buy a light box - this can help those driven to depression in winter by lack of light.

    7 Try to be more disciplined with your bed-times

    8 Think like the Opposition party - ie from a different point of view.

    9 Try a good book and a glass of wine.

    10 Visit Australia (it's lighter).

    1/11/2007

    For No Name

    "I want to thank you for retracting some of your statements.  I can understand if you had bad luck with online dating that you would have a bad opinion.  I will be honest,  that was the first time I viewed your site and was disturbed to see such condeming comments.   Your blog upset me because how can a person keep an open mind as to what kind of person you are when the first impression is an article condeming others - I would hope that is not what you use this site for.  I have one more concern - I noticed that you have picures from your Christmas on here.  It worries me that you have pictures of small children with their names posted on here.  You said yourself there are a lot of crazy people out there, pedophiles.  I know as a parent it would scare me to death if I knew someone had my childrens pictures posted on the internet for anyone to see.  If their parents know and approve then who am I to judge, but  it still worries me.  I find it amusing you address me as no name, I guess I am."  
    Dear No Name,
    Unfortunately when you write a comment on my site, it does not leave our name so I am unable to address you as your real name if I don't know what it is.  For that, I am sorry.  I try to reply to everyone, if they leave their name or not.  Please understand that I would like to know who you are so that I can communicate with you on a one to one level instead of calling you "no name".  You must have done much reading on my site when you visited the first time to find out that I was upset about being judged in my life by certain people.  You are correct.  And yet, I judged those people who look for love online.  Granted, I have been judged much, much worse than that but yet it is similar.  When you state, "So are you saying that people should be able to find the person who they want to be their "mate" in 6 months or they should just settle for something close or good enough.  Is that what you did?  Do you think that everyone who has a hard time meeting a mate is a loser? I want to say that I did not settle for someone "close or good enough".  I am settling down with someone who is way beyond good enough.  He is absolutely amazing, and we are madly in love.  I do not believe that everyone who has a hard time meeting their mate is a loser.  I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone.  Sometimes it can take years before people find that someone.  It took almost 10 years for my love to find me.  So, I know that true love does take time!  As far as your comment, "I am also cringing at how hypocritical you are with your comment about married people looking for love.  Are you serious?!    Do I really need to say anymore on that subject? I am a little confused as to why you would say that.  If you could explain this in a little more detail, I would be more than willing to hear your side of the subject.  
    I am so glad you noticed my photos as well.  Usually, people pass by my pictures to just read my current blog.  Thank you!  I will take your suggestion into consideration and decide on keeping them/deleting them on my site.  I also have other photos on here of some friends of mine at a local football game, so I will go through and see what should be done.  Thank you for noticing, however.  Please feel free to comment more on anything you see here on my site.
    Peace~
    Paula
       
    1/7/2007

    Thought for a lifetime...

    "The present was an egg laid by the past that had the future inside its shell."
    -Zora Neale Hurston
     
     
     
     
     
    1/1/2007

    Happy New Year

    Well, 2006 seemed as if it would never end, but it has!  I wish you all a very happy, healthy, and prosperous 2007!  May all your hopes and dreams come true!!!
    Peace~
    Paula
    12/12/2006

    If You Could.....

    Have you ever wished you could be someone else, or do someone else's job, or live somewhere else?  Have you ever wished you could be an actor, a supermodel, a comedian, or even a zoologist?  Did you ever wish you could be the President of a country, or even the president of a major company?  How about living somewhere else?  Did you ever wish you could live in maybe the Bahamas or maybe even live in Cinderella's castle at Disney World?  Sometimes in life we come upon a road that we wish we could/would have traveled.  We hear about the glamorous lives of the rich and famous, and how they can go where ever they want, when ever they want.  They can shop until they drop and not worry about a credit card bill, living on a budget, or even wondering if there will be enough money until the end of the month.  They live in upper class neighborhoods, drive high priced cars, have people who answer their phone calls, clean their houses, and even take care of their pets!  Sure, there are days that I wish I could be someone else, live somewhere else or even do someone else's job....but then I stop and think about how much these "high paid" people, and these fancy places must deal with stress.  Would it be drugs, or alcohol, or even in some cases, an eating disorder.  How do they go from being a no-one to one of the biggest names in the world??  Take for example, Oprah Winfrey.  She did not have the greatest upbringing, live in the best neighborhood and had to deal with things that most of us would never want to imagine.  Now, she is one of the highest paid celebrities in the world.  Would I want to be her?  Some days, sure...other days...no.  Think about it...you go from nothing to everything.  How would you deal with that?  Being in the spotlight 24 hours a day/ 365 days a week.  These celebrities can't get a cold without it being known across the country!  I don't know about you, but personally, I look like something crawled into my head and died when I have a cold.  The last thing I want to do is go anywhere, do anything, or even have anyone see me!!  I think that there are days when they wish that they could be "normal" and there are days when we wish we could be a celebrity.  I am sure that in time the celebrity would want to go back to their lives, and we would want to go back to ours.  Going to the grocery store by ourselves, going to a movie or out to dinner without people trying to take pictures, or get autographs, or even ordering a pizza for delivery.  Although, there are days that I wouldn't mind having George Clooney deliver a pizza to me, or even seeing Robin Williams sitting in the Doctors office, telling jokes to make everyone feel just a little bit better.  

    There are days that in the cold, gray winter months I wish I did live somewhere else.  Somewhere warm, but not too warm.  A place where the ducks and swans are still able to waddle through the lakes without them being frozen over.  A place where you can sit on a beach, watching the sun rise and set, smell the beautiful crisp air, and feel the warmth of the sun on your face as you relax.  This place would be "technology free".  No cell phones, no computers, I-Pods, or even television.  I think that in our lives, we become "addicted" to the everyday technology with checking our e-mails, or calling whoever we want without a cord attached to the phone.  When someone says that people need to relax more, I wonder how they find a way to relax without worrying about their responsibilities, or missing a phone call, or not getting an e-mail...I would love to find that place where the sun shines almost every day of the year, the temperature never drops below 45 degrees, and the people would not be rushing to get somewhere.  With the holidays coming fast, I see more and more everyday, how people have become so "mechanical" in life.  They drive faster than the speed limit, they talk on their cell-phones at the same time, and they are always more in a hurry than you are.  They lose their kindness when it comes to driving, and shopping, they lose their patience with everything and everyone.  Is there a city out there that isn't so worried about all of these technologies and just believes in taking time to relax, be kind, and have patience with life?  I don't know, but if you do...please send me the address and a map!!

    The cold, wet, cloudy weather has me in a rut right now.  The doctors call this "SAD", yes that's right...I'm sad.  Seasonal Affective Disorder.  They tell me to get a "sun lamp" to help me feel better, and not be so down.  I still have no light, but am hoping that the weather changes soon!!!  Either that, or I am heading south for the winter!  Saying that...I wonder if the birds know something we don't know??  Ah, if only I could be a bird...in the Bahamas...just sitting on the beach...

    Until next time...Peace

    Paula  

    11/27/2006

    Our New Mini Cooper

    Yes, we have upgraded our family...no, not our family of cars, our animal family!  Saturday, we fell in love with a Mini Cooper.   She is a 45 lb. black newfoundland/lab mix that was found running free by a staff member at the Northside Animal Hospital.  I saw her online and thought we should go look at her.  We were not really looking for a dog as I have two cats who I love dearly, and I had just lost my dog of 16 years in May of last year and was not really ready for another dog.  So, Friday we drove to the animal hosptial and took Mini for a walk around the place.  She was so sweet, a lot of energy, and loved to hug!!  We thought about it while we filled out the application trying to decide if we wanted to take her home or not.  She would sit right by us, and NEVER barked.  It was GREAT!  Saturday morning we got the call that we could adopt her and we flew to Shopko to buy her some "welcome to your new home gifts".  We picked her up at 12:30 on Saturday and she rode home with us in the back of our car and was sooo good.  We got her home, and she was given the tour by me and then got to go out in the back yard to play!  She was so happy!  Yes, she has a lot of energy, but she is soooo sweet....  She sleeps on the floor of the bedroom on a Wisconsin Badger blanket with sqeaky toys gallore!  We found out Mini had been  kept at the Animal Hospital since August when she was found and her owners did not claim her.  It was sad that someone would let this sweet animal go.  She has a heart of gold and just wants to be loved.  She was named Mini Cooper by one of the staff members at the hospital and, when we heard it...it stuck.  We didn't even think of changing it.  She got her first bath here last night and did amazing!  She loves to get brushed, and she knows how to sit, laydown at bedtime, and she will sit and wait until we throw her ball for her in the back yard.  She follows me around like a shadow.  It is so sweet, unless you trip over her.
    The cats are adjusting slowly (Jagr especially) but I know that in time they will be fine.  Maximus is already pretty good with her, but still a little skiddish.  Which is expected. 
    I will post more pictures of her when we have some! 
       
    11/13/2006

    A Belated Tribute to King Tom

    My  beloved online friend, King Tom passed away on September 12, 2006.  He had a heart of gold and was always concerned about how I was doing, and how things in my life were going.  He was funny, quick witted, outgoing, and honest.   He found my site because he was from Wisconsin, and was thrilled to find another "Wisconsin-ite" online.  Tom was amazing, he gave me the courage to write on, and on, and on...and here I am two months after his passing, and I never got to say goodbye because I was "too busy" with life and everything going on in it.  Tom was so sweet and will be remembered everytime I read the article on my blog from the Eau Claire, WI LeaderTelegram.  Tom was nice enough to give his input on my blog to the paper and they mention his name and a few details about him in there.  Our e-mails and blog comments about everything from Wisconsin to the weather will always have a special place in my heart and I hope that he knows that wherever he is blogging now.  My heart is heavy knowing that he would come and read my site and comment about all the crappy dates that I have had, and give me any advice or share a story of his from his life, and I was "too busy" to stop in to his space while my mom was in the hospital having hip replacement surgery on September 11th just to say hello.  I guess that Tom's passing goes to show that life is to short.  Tom was single all his life until this past Spring when he married in China to his soul mate.  I am VERY happy to know that he finally found that person whom he had been searching for all his life...some people never find there soul mate.  I will pray for his beloved wife, and hope that she finds solace in knowing that Tom touched so many lives here online, mine for one.  Tom will always have a special place in my heart, as well as in my blog where he found me babbling on about my bad dates in life. 
     
    Tom,
    I am sorry that I didn't get to say goodbye before you left this earth.  I hope you can forgive me for not being able to blog as much in September due to mom's health.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart for finding my blog and giving some life to it.  You helped me to create music on my site, you gave me help when I needed it, and you always had a comment for me no matter what.  Your input in the Leader Telegram will be hung on the wall in my '57 Chevy craft room so that I may never forget what you said about my site, and the support you gave me throughout this blog.  I want you to know that I have finaly found my soul mate.  Yes, believe it or not...I have.  He is the love of my life and I won't be writing any "creatures from the deep" stories about him ever.  He is amazing, KT...just like you were to everyone you met.  For you, my friend, I dedicate my blog and blog music to you...My thoughts are with your wife, your family and your world wide gathering of friends. 
    God Speed My Friend...
    We Will Meet Again...Just Not Yet...
    Thank you...
    Peace
    Paula
     
    Tom's Blog:
     
    11/5/2006

    Lost Friend

    There are times in life when friends come and go.  Some friends stay friends for life, and some only stay in our lives for a short time.  Everyday we meet people whom through some circumstance become friends, though others think they have too many friends and go on with their lives.  When I think of my friends, which may be few in number I know that they are always going to be a special part of my life.  As I think about my friends I can say that I have friends with whom I grew up with from the time I was in kindergarten or even before, friends that I went to junior high or high school with, those who I met in college, and friends whom I met in work or social situations.  
    One friend, in which I am thinking of today I met in college.  It was January of 1999, my second semester in college and I was hired as a Resident Assistant in Hovlid Hall at UW-Stout.  It was an all-freshman dorm, and I was the oldest one (besides the Hall Director) in the building.  I thought of it as a chance to live in the dorms for free, and help "shape" the young ladies that I was in care of.  I started off with 22 freshman girls, which soon became 40 something because the other RA on the floor was not that involved in the hall and stayed mostly in her old dorm. 
    I lived in a room by myself, which I preferred at the time as to not show favoritism towards residents.  Across the room was the hall president and her room mate, and next to them was a nice young girl who was always willing to help out, going out of her way to make my job easier.  The girls on the floor were a mixed bunch, but in the end this one had me in tears at the end of the semester.
    Laura was the all around do-it-all girl.  If someone needed something, she was there.  She had a heart of gold.  She was crafty, open-minded, funny, smart, and she knew what she wanted in life.  To become a teacher.  I could see it in her from the first day we met.  She helped me find my way around the dorm, gave me the in's and out's of who's who, warned me about certain people, and offered to help out if I ever needed it.  She was a quiet girl, from a small town in Wisconsin.  She was not one for confrontation, but more for annoy them with kindness.  The other girls I think saw her as a "goodie two shoes" or a "brown noser", but I saw her as someone who had her stuff together.  When it was might night for rounds in the hall, she would sometimes walk with me so that I wouldn't be bored, or she would sit in my room with me and watch TV so that I wouldn't fall asleep.  We would go to lunch at JTC, or sometimes eat in the Commons.  We both agreed that the food at school was definately not going to give us that dreaded "freshman 15" because when ever we finished eating, we ended up in the bathroom shortly there after because it was coming out from the other end.  (No, we did not have eating disorders...it was just that the food was that bad it just went right through us).  
    When it was "RA Appreciation Day" in the dorm, most of the residents were at some event on lower campus.  Including me.  Laura said she and a couple of the other residents had major homework to do so they were not attending the lower campus event.  The RA's never knew when RA Appreciation Day was, so it was a total suprise when I arrived back at the dorm and saw my door decorated as well as a bathroom stall designated just for me.  "The Pond for the Penguin" it read by the bathroom stall door, as I was a big Pittsburgh Penguins fan back then.  The RA on the other end was not rewarded for her work, well...because she was never there.  
    I know that Laura did most of the work on the signs and decorations that were made that day, because she was always creative and crafty.  She always had fun little cards that she would make because becoming a teacher involved creativity!  That was one thing she always had...
    As the semester came to a close and the RA's had to do a Hall-closeout check, Laura was one of the last ones to leave.  I remember sitting at a picnic bench outside the hall watching all the girls I saw grow as I was there leave for the summer...Laura stayed behind to help.  When it was her time to pack up and go, we said our goodbye's and exchanged phone numbers.  As rode out of the parking lot with her mom, I cried.  The hall director told me, "There's always one."  She was right.  There was.  All the girls made a difference in my life in some way, but Laura...she was a friend I didn't want to lose.
    Laura and I stayed in touch through the summer through the phone and e-mail, and we would even meet at what we named "Stonehenge" in front of the student center for lunch or just to chat.  She even stayed at my apartment for a while over winter when she would work at Menards so that she would not have to drive in the winter weather from her parents home in Elmwood.  She would help me move if I was moving to a new apartment, I would help her move if she was moving, we would listen to each other complain about school, classes, certain people in school that we knew, or anything that we wanted to talk about.  We were best friends.  She was always crafty, she would make thank you cards instead of buying them, she would bring you presents when it wasn't even your birthday or a holiday, she was a friend that everyone wanted to have. 
    She was smart, funny, helpful, outgoing, and extremely creative.  She was all heart. 
    Then, when she was an RA at school I think she got burned out from it all.  She was on the board for the residence halls, she worked at the front desk, she was an RA, she was student teaching, and she was trying to pass the PPST.  I think it was during this time that she cracked.  I was not around her when she was in the dorms as an RA much, as I was home taking care of mom after she had her pacemaker/defibrilator put in and taking the rest of my classes online.  I do know know the truth behind the situation as I have yet to hear it from her if she really did do this or not.  There were accusations against her after September 11, 2001 for pulling fire alarms, setting fires in hall garbage cans, calling in bomb threats, and other misc. issues.  I know that there are people at Stout that were one sided, and did not hear the other side of the story...Laura's side.  It was ugly.  It was all over the school newspaper, as well as the local newspapers and local news on television.  Like I said before...I don't know if she did or didn't do these things.  I was not there with her, however, I can say that from knowing Laura for over 3 years these are not things the Laura that I knew would have done.  We have not talked for many years now, and I have tried to contact her, with no luck.  I have called her parents house and have been hung up on, as well as told that she no longer lives there and I was not to call there ever again.  I never did anything wrong, I was always trying to help her, so this reaction came as quite a shock to me.  Her e-mail bounces right back saying the user name is not known, and when I call her cell phone, I get her voicemail.  I have left her messages with no reply call. 
    I don't know if she has disappeared or even fallen off the face of the earth.  I do know that there are people here that care about her, no matter what.  I write this in hopes that she may read it, or maybe even someone close to her will read it and let me and our mutual friend Jackie know how she is doing.  We miss her dearly...
     
     
     

    Mom's Health

    Mom was in the hospital from September 7th, 2006 until October 9th, 2006, working hard on physical therapy and trying to get herself back into walking mode after her broken hip.  She hated being at the hospital that long, but it was refreshing to see her working so hard to get herself up and moving on her own after being stuck in the hospital bed for so long.  She is home now, but is reluctant to do much outside of the house.  She likes to get out when the weather is somewhat nice and warm, but it has been cold as of late with temperatures only in the 40's.  Her skin is so thin that it is hard for her to stay warm and not get shivering cold.  I have tried to get her to eat better and healthier, however this is very hard to do with someone who has not eaten very well for a long, long time.  It is like trying to get an alcoholic to quit drinking...like my father.  When mom first left the hospital, dad was great.  He would stay home, make dinner, do the laundry, do the dishes...things mom could not do like she could before.  After a couple of weeks, he went back to his bar times, where he will leave home once the mail is delievered around 11:30 AM - 12:30 PM and not come back home until 4 or 5 PM.  He is rather druck when he does come home, so mom has had to begin making dinners and cleaning again.  Once he is done with his dinner, he will do one of two things, either go back to the bar for "Happy Hour" again until 6 or 7 PM, or he will go right to bed around 5:30 - 6 PM.  It is as if mom is back to her usual self, and he no longer has to worry about her.  He no longer takes her to her doctor visits, nor does he worry if she goes back to the doctor or not because "it costs too much to go anyhow, so what is the point?".  So, now my main job is now taking care of mom every week, changing her leg wraps, getting her something healthy to eat, and doing misc. errands/chores for her.  I don't mind though.  She is my mom, she took care of me growing up, and even when I was sick, so now it is my turn to care for her.  It weighs on me once in a while, but I try to take care of myself and relax when I can.  
    Please keep her in your prayers to continue getting better...thanks
    Peace Always 
    6/22/2006

    Little Bird

    Wednesday morning, I was getting ready to change the water in the bird bath out back when I noticed a small grey bird lying in the grass below.  I walked down the steps to check on the little bird to see if he was OK.  When I got to the bird, he did not move, his legs lay weakly behind him, and his left wing was broken with the bone exposed.  I tried to pick up the little bird, and he tried to fly with his one good wing...but ended up flopping around the ground instead.  I finally grabbed a hold of the bird gently, as to not hurt the bird any further.  The bird looked as if he had tears coming from his tiny eyes, and he chirped a couple of times before he settled down.  I carried the bird in my hand, trying to keep him comfortable, and calming him by rubbing the back of his head.  I didn't know what to do with the bird.  I looked around the back yard trying to see if there was a nest that the bird may have fallen out of, but no luck.  I put together a little shelter area with some old wood that was in the back yard, on top of the grass that I had pulled to put him on.  I grabbed some bird seed and placed it in the makeshift shelter with the bird, but the bird never ate.  I didn't want to leave the poor bird out in the open back yard to possibly become another birds lunch, so I called a local wildlife rehabilitation center and asked what I should do.  The owner of the wildlife center asked me to put the little bird in a box that was padded with a kitchen towel to keep him comfortable.  As I packed the box with a towel, and napkins around the bird, both of my cats came into the kitchen.  They sat by the box, but never moved.  It was as if they knew the bird was not well.  The owner then asked me to meet her and her husband so that they could take the bird to their center, have the bird checked over by a wildlife veteranarian, and find out what happened to the little bird.  After meeting them, I showed her the bird as I kept touching the back of the bird's head to keep it calm.  She told me that the bird was a very young sparrow type bird who for some reason, was very bloated in the abdomen.  She tried to comfort me, as if I was giving her a family member to take care of, and at that point...I felt as though I was.  Even though that bird had only been in my life for a short period of time, I became more and more attached to it.  
    I got back into my car, and went to drive back home.  I thought about that little bird, and wondered why it came into my life that day.  I wondered how it got into the back yard, and what had happened to the bird to injure him so.  I thought about that bird all night long, praying for it, listening to the other birds outside wondering if the bird's family was looking for it.  I woke up this morning, and called the wildlife center to see how the little bird was, however no one answered the telephone.  I left a message on the answering machine, telling them just how worried I was about the little bird, and if they could call me back and let me know how it was. 
    I had a few errands to run, thinking that the little bird was more than likely doing much better now that there was someone to care for it and watch over it.  When I returned home, I saw that the center had called me, so I immediately checked my voicemail.  The wildlife center's owner had left a message saying that the little bird was put down because he was suffering.  The bird had suffered a broken back, and wing, and that is why he could no longer fly.  She said that the little bird had more than likely been hit by a car and came into the back yard to die.  She also thanked me for saving the bird from suffering, and giving the bird comfort and care before he died.  She told me that most people would have left the bird out for the other animals to scavenge and pick apart.
    After the message was over, I hung up the phone and went outside and sat on the deck.  I began to cry, thinking that maybe I should have called the center earlier and he would have been OK, or maybe if I would have done something different, the bird would still be alive and somehow be able to heal.  I felt as though I had failed that little bird, that I didn't do enough for it.  I know, it was just a bird...but to me that bird was like a family member when I heard it was gone.  I had to write about it, as if to give the bird a little memorial, and to say goodbye to it. 
    We may only think that it's the big colorful birds that are beautiful, when in actuality, it's the little birds that sing the best songs.
    Fly in peace, little bird...      
    5/19/2006

    Much Thanks

    I want to take this blog to thank all who replied to my last blog.  Writing that was not only helpful to myself, but to others as well.  It was nice to "get things out" and open myself up.  I used to be someone who did not want ANYONE to know about my past, or me in general.  Especially about my health and the environment that has surrounded it.  This has given me more strength and acceptance for myself and for others that I never thought I would find. 
    The way the world is today, we sometimes become caught up in the whirlwind frenzy of our outside world and we forget about what is truly important...we are all human.  We all make mistakes, we are all unique, we all have different personalities, issues, likes and dislikes.  However, we all have one thing in common...we all have a heart.  It may not be the same size, shape, beat the same, or even beat by itself, like my mom's...but it is the one thing that keeps us all alive.
    Remember, if you think you are at the end of your rope, and your life is bringing you down, think about those who are ill, those who do not have long to live, and remember just how lucky you are to not be in their shoes.  LIVE your life to the fullest!!!
    Thank you again for your wonderful comments, and understanding.  I promise that my space will be much more light-hearted as it was before, very soon!
     
    "If you are going through hell, keep going!"
    ~Winston Churchill
     
    **Tomorrow is Armed Forces Day, Please take the time to think about and THANK all of our men and women in uniform, and those who have served this country!***
     
     
     
     
    5/9/2006

    Anger, Hatred, Violence

    Today, I am pondering why anger, hatred, and violence still take place on this earth.  I often question why people act the way they do towards others.  It is amazing to me to hear people criticize and belittle someone they do not know, or have ever met.   If a person is black or white, gay or straight, catholic or jewish, single or married, working or not working, there is always someone out there who feels that they have the right to use derogatory statements, make judgements, or use violence to make themselves feel better about who they are and where they stand on this planet.  Growing up with a father who was an alcoholic (and still is an alcoholic to this day)  I can say that I have had anger, and hatred in my life.  My life has not been the greatest in the world, but I cannot complain because I did not grow up in Africa where violence and death happen everyday, I did not grow up in a home where I was locked in a cage because my parents were to lazy to care for me, I did not grow up in a home where children are used as slaves to make money for food, drugs or to live.  I was lucky... 
    As a child, I thought I had it rough.  I remember when my father would come home after working for 8 hours and drinking for another 4 to 6 hours at the local bar.  He would hardly be able to get out of his truck and walk into the house.  Once inside the house, he would find something to yell about.  Anything from the dog barking at him, dinner being cold (after being done for 6 hours), or the big one...MONEY.  I remember my sister and I running into the bathroom and hiding next to the bathroom cabinet plugging our ears and crying because he was yelling at mom.  My father was never violent (unless you were the kitchen table where he would slam his fist on when he felt he needed to) to any of us.  However, my father was mentally and emotionally abusive.  Common phrases in our house included, "Are you stupid or something?", "Do you have your head up your ass or what?" and, "Your mother's stupid that's why you two girls are the way you are!".  My mother was never stupid, except for the fact that she actually put up with this day, after day, after day. 
    My father has learned from me that no one deserves to be treated with anger, or hatred.  It has taken 32 years to hear my father tell me how proud he was of me that I graduated from college and that I take such good care of my mother.  My father no longer tells me I am stupid, that I have my head up my ass, or that I am the way I am because of my mother.  He will never admit that he is an alcoholic, and I will never hate my father for being an alcoholic.  I have learned that I do not hate him, I hate the alcohol. 
    Anger and my mother is a whole different story.  My mother was born with holes in her heart.  When she was 21 years old, they tried to fix her heart.  Unfortunately, they should have done it sooner than that.  She now has Congestive Heart Failure, she lives everyday with a pacemaker & defibrulator that helps to keep her heart pumping.  I was in college in Menomonie, Wisconsin when my mother first began getting sick.  Her doctor at the time told her for over 6 months that she "just had the flu".  Until one day when that doctor told my mom she should go into the hospital because she had fluid on her lungs and that they should be drained and she would feel better.  When she arrived at the hospital, the heart specialist came in and told her that her heart was enlarged and that it was not beating as it should.  She needed a pacemaker.  I remember the day my mom called me to tell me that she had to get one and how afraid I was to lose her.  As a child, I clung to my mother.  I did everything I could "to make it better" for her.  I never went to summer camp, I never went to slumber parties, I never had many friends over to the house.  Mom was my friend.  Everything I did in my young life, I did for my mom.  I would cook dinner, I would clean the house, I would take care of the dog, I would mow the lawn.  My sister...she was just there.  She did her share of chores, but as soon as she graduated from High School, went to technical college and then got married and moved away from home.  I did not leave home until I was 24 years old.  I was always afraid that if I left home, something bad would happen to my mom and I wouldn't be there to protect her.  However, in the back of my mind I wanted to prove to my father that I was not stupid and that I felt a need to be the first one in our family to get a 4 year college degree.  Before I could go to college though, I had to realize that I had a disability.  In 1998 I was dignosed with panic/anxiety disorder.  I began medication which helped me make it through everyday without symptoms.  After 4 and a half years, I graduated from the University of Wisconsin - Stout.  All through college, I was bumped from one medication to the next, a time that I call my "drug circus".  I couldn't even begin to name or number just how many medications the doctors tried on me.  I felt like a guiny pig.  Even though I was no longer living at home, I was still connected to all of the family "things" that were happening back home.  When my mom first got sick, I felt a sense of guilt for not being there to take care of her.  That guilt has stayed with me from when I was a child trying to make my mom's life better, to now when I am taking her to her doctor appointments, picking up her medicine, to checking in on her every day.  My mom is only 62 years old, and how long she has left to live in her life right now, is a mystery.  My anger comes with many of her doctors who "fail to check" her blood to make sure she is taking the right medicine, and that her heart is still functioning.  My last year of college in 2003, I was living in Eau Claire when my mom passed out at her job.  Luckily, there were 2 EMT's and a doctor in the store at the time she passed out.  Her pacemaker had failed because her heart was not beating correctly.  Had there not been medical personel in the store that day, my mom would have died because no one at her place of employment knew CPR.  Anger hit me hard then.  Why, out of roughly 30 employees, did not one of them know CPR?  Should I have been angry, no.  I should have been greatful that there were people there to save her life.  And, after a short time, I realized that.  My mother now has a pacemaker & defibrulator, and as her doctor says, her heart is as big as it can get.  I know that this comes from all she has done for our family, for all she has been through, and for all that she has done for others.  I tell her that her heart is just full of love, and that is why it is so big.
    Due to my panic and anxiety, I have been unable to do certain things like other people.  I have not been able to work at a "real job", I am unable to travel outside of a small radious of Eau Claire, and other "normal" things that "normal" people do every day.  Am I angry?  Yes.  Are there days that I hate myself?  Yes.  After finding out that my disability was hereditary (on my father's side of the family), I was even MORE angry.  WHY did I have to get this?  Today, my life has changed so much since I was first diagnosed, but I cannot say that I am completely healed.  The anger has begun to subside, and I have began to take control of my life, my anxiety, my fears, and the hatred of the disability is beginning to turn into more of an understanding.  I am beginning to deal with my anxiety in a more structured way, and in the future, hopefully without medication.  My disability, however, has brought out other individuals anger, judgements, and hatred.
    She is not worthy of being loved or being in love.
    She is not worthy of being happy. 
    These statements are just a few of the judgements that have been made upon me.  By people who have never met me, or know my life story.  No one will ever know what it is truly like to be me, to step in my shoes, to live my life.  Why is it that people feel that they have the right to judge one another?  Who gave them the right to judge?  What if that person where just like me and someone judged them?  Would they change the way they thought?  Who knows. 
    In my life I have had anger, hatred, and seen too much violence.  However, I am not someone to judge someone else because they are disabled, going through a difficult time, black, white, gay, straight, right, left...it doesn't matter.  Life is not about judging others, GOD (use your own faith in this one) is the only one who in the end, will judge us.  I am not asking for your pity.  I AM asking for a little understanding.  I know this is not one of my usual writings, however writing this is in a way, healing for me and hopefully a way to help others to not judge people before we know their life story.  We are so quick to judge, yet so slow to understand. 
    Peace