Paula's profileComing AttractionsPhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
|
8/17/2005 The Past Keeps Coming BackAfter yesterday's conversation with my new beautician, I have not been able to get my mind off of "J". As I was talking to the young lady at the beauty salon, and speaking of my relationship with "J" I almost began to cry. I kept telling her that she had to follow her heart, and do what she had to do to get to that person that she was meant to be with. As I have been thinking of this conversation, I have been seeing that I am telling her what she really needed to do, but I wasn't listening to myself!! I was not acting on what I was saying within my own life. I know that our situations are different, with her having someone to go to, and I do not. The last time I spoke with "J", he was seeing someone. I had sent him flowers, with a card that read "X Marks The Spot", which was something we had told each other in regards to our necklace with the 'X' on it. I have come to realize that the flowers that I purchased were never charged to my credit card. Nor has the flower company ever called me, due to this. I am planing on calling them to find out why it was that the flowers were never charged to my account. I don't understand why even though part of me knows I need to move on, my heart won't let me. It has been over a month since I last talked to "J", well, we never got to talk really, he had to go and "fix" things with his new girlfriend after the flowers arrived. It seems that when ever I have called him in the past, I have called at the wrong time. I never know if I should call him, to talk, or not. When I called to ask him if he recieved the flowers, he said yes, but did not know who they were from. In fact, he didn't know who it was that was calling seeing that I had not talked to him in over 2 years. That scared me. When I told him they were from me, he then said how very nice they were, and that they were very beautiful. He took down my number, and told me he was going to call. He never did. Maybe what I want in life, my dreams, my hopes, my love has already passed me by. Maybe my second chance will never happen. He is constantly on my mind, and if I can't let go of that, how will I ever be able to move on?
I had a dream of him last night, that we were sitting next to each other on the front porch swing of a house that I have never seen before. There were wildflowers all around, and my head was resting on his shoulder with his arm around me. I looked up at him, and he said to me, "X marks the spot, always." I said it back to him, while I put my left hand on his heart feeling it beat. The next thing I see is the front a ranch/farm style house. I was standing in the gravel driveway, looking at the front of the door. I also saw a silver wrapped box with a large bow on top of it sitting on the porch. I began to walk towards the box on the porch, and realized it had wedding bells on the wrapping paper. I wondered why "J" wasn't around me anymore. I looked at the box and saw his name along with a woman's name on a card on top of the box. It was not my name on that card. I fell to my knees, and cried. The next thing I saw was myself, sitting in a park next to the river, which is in my hometown. I was crying, and throwing wildflowers in the river.
I don't know what this dream means, but I know that it has hit me hard today. My mind, energy, and spirit are wandering aimlessly around me wondering what to do next. To I take my own advice and drive to South Dakota to see him, possibly only to be hurt by rejection? Or could there possibly still be that second chance waiting for me? Some days I just wish that there was a machine that could erase all of the past, so that the pain doesn't keep coming back...(Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)
8/11/2005 My CowboyHi everyone!! I'm back again for another installment in my Life in the Dating Lane series. However, this one is MUCH different than the rest of the men I have written about. This is about an amazing guy who got away. I wanted to throw the TWO guys in here who I have not had bad dates/lies/or been in roster competitions with. The first one, I met when I was in college. I still think of him often, and hope that even though this one was a GOOD guy, you won't be too upset by not having another "CRITTER FROM THE DEEP" to read about today!! You may need the Kleenex for those of you who are romantics at heart, this one will get you...
We met when I was in college at UW-Eau Claire back in 1996. I was taking classes, working at the campus bookstore, and was a member of the Co-Ed Service Fraternity on campus called Alpha Phi Omega. He was a pledge of APO in the spring term of '96, had a girlfriend, and worked at a local video store. He was a year younger than I, but only by a few months. We hit it off right away. We both had a liking in country music, especially singer George Strait. We both wanted to someday live on a farm out in the country, with horses, and fields of wild flowers everywhere. We both loved the movie 'A River Runs Through It' starring Brat Pitt, primarily because it was shot in Montana, and that was both of our dream place to live. Our first unofficial get together for APO was at the President's house, where they were watching movies, and drinking adult beverages in the large kitchen. Seeing that I didn't drink, I sat in the living room on the floor and began to watch 'Dumb and Dumber 'with "J" (seeing that he didn't really know anyone in the group yet, he stayed in the living room with me). Even though it has been so long ago, I can still remember the cologne he was wearing that night, Stetson. I don't know what it was between us, but there was definitely something there and we kissed for the first time that night and from that moment on, we clicked. I knew he still had a girlfriend, but I knew this was one that I couldn't let get away.
"J" and I had a conversation about if he was going to break up with his girlfriend or go out with me. I did not pressure him, or tell him what to do. I told him he had to make that decision all by himself. He chose me. We had our first date just days later when we went to see the movie 'Bed of Roses', starring Christian Slater and Mary Stewart Masterson. It was after that movie, that we knew we were going to be together and that we were meant to be. "J" and I had a great conversation the night before where we talked about everything! Our hopes, dreams and wishes. We talked about where we wanted to live, what the house would look like, how many kids we wanted, EVERYTHING! The next day,"J" e-mailed me in the early morning hours before going to bed. This is what the e-mail said:
Good morning Paula Diane~
I just wanted to write and say that I was thinking about you (all night) and that I hope you are having a great day. I won't be having a good day until I get to see you again. Hopefully it will be before you get this message. You did a good job at the blood drive yesterday~~it seemed as though everything went perfectly. But, then again, I bet everything you do turns out great! Well, as you can see from the time, it is way past my bedtime (not actually, but I'm tired) so I will have to sign off. Good night, sweetie. Sweet dreams.
your secret admirer
That week was Blood Drive week for APO, and annual tradition for us at UWEC. I was the Volunteer Coordinator for the group, and was very dedicated to making sure I did a good job. I was always worried about doing the best in everything I did.
Just a few moments after "J" had written me the first e-mail, he sent another one about our conversation the night before.
Hi!
Did I tell you that you were incredible? I don't know how you read my mind last night, but you said every dream that I had ever had. Tell me that I wasn't dreaming? I could not have said it better myself! If you do believe in those dreams you are an incredible woman. It is hard to find someone who has those same dreams as I do. Sorry if I was a little shocked last night. Too much for me to handle! Anyways, I said I was going home so here I go...
See you soon.
your cowboy
"J" was always one to e-mail me little messages, or leave me notes in odd places. One day after I was walking to my car after a 2 hour class, I was looking around and it was a rather gray, and gloomy day. It just added to the tiredness I had from sitting in a classroom for two hours. As I was walking to my car, I noticed something stuck between my windshield wiper on the drivers side of the car. I said to myself, "Great! Just what I need to make my day go better, a stupid parking ticket!" I got to my car and noticed that it was not a parking ticket at all. It was folded and stuck in a little piece of plastic and had my initials, P.B. on it. I took the note out and found that it was from "J". The smile I got at that moment, was unbelievable. The note read as follows:
Hi beautiful~
I couldn't pass up the opportunity to write you a little note. I just got done writing you on e-mail so you will have to read that, too. I will be home all afternoon if you would like to stop by or call. Well, I hope you have a great day even though it is pretty gloomy outside. Smile for me anyways because that is the same as sunshine!! See you soon, sweetie.
Miss you,
your cowboy
P.S. Save the plastic - I could still use it.
Just as I held the note to my chest, and did the "I love him" sigh, "J" came up behind me and gave me a huge bear hug. Even my backpack got in on that... I remember he whispered in my ear, "Hello, beautiful. Do you know how much I've missed you?" Whenever he did that, I always replied, "not as much as I've missed you!" Then he would spin me around, put his hands on my cheek and give me a kiss that would spark a wildfire! He asked me if I was going to come over to his house for a while, and at that moment, I could only go back as far as the kiss he had my heart going so. I drove over to his place and remember seeing the T.V. on with a rodeo on it. As I walked through the house he shared with roommates, I saw a sign over his roommates door that read "A Little Less Talk and A Lot More Action!" I told him how I liked that sign, and he told me that his sister had made it. We both had a passion for country music as I said, George Strait especially. "J" went into his roommates room, grabbed a CD and put it into his CD player in his room. He messed around with the CD player for a couple of seconds, and then grabbed my hand. He said to me, "May I have this dance?" and there it was, the song that will forever be embedded in my heart for "J". That song was, I Cross My Heart, by George Strait. We danced around his room, he looked in my eyes and he sang the words to me as it played. I thought to myself at that moment that he was the man that I was forever meant to be with. The e-mail he sent me earlier that morning however had me worried that something was up.
Hi beautiful~
How are you today? Did you sleep well? Any good dreams (besides ones of Jean Claude)? (*Van Damme*) I slept wonderfully. Your dog is great to cuddle with. Not to mention how great he smells. WOW!! I could get used to that. I'd rather it be you, though.
OK- I better change the subject before I miss you anymore than I already do!!! Anyways, can you call me as soon as you get this message. I have something to ask you and it can't wait until tonight (well it could but I'd rather it not). I am going home right now and I will try to call you also unless I see you before that. OK.- talk to you soon.
Miss ya,
your cowboy
"J" had not said anything to me when I was at his place that afternoon, so I had really no clue what was going on. When I got to the meeting and we saw each other, I asked him what he needed. Come to find out, "J" was in a "Human Relations" class and part of a class project was to fill out compatibility surveys to see how compatible two people are. I thought that was going to be fun!!! So, we get into the meeting and he hands me a CD, Rhett Akins. I had my CD player with me and popped it in while the meeting was going on. I was on the board that night filling in for one of the girls who was out of town, so I didn't really need to be "paying attention". I was filling out the survey and listening to the CD at the same time as the meeting was in order. I looked up at to see "J" smiling at me, and began to blush. The meeting ended, and "J" and I went to a study lounge to finish our surveys. The one thing I liked the best about "J" was that he was "saving himself for marriage". That was something I admired the most about him because I had not waited and I wished that I had made that commitment in my life prior to meeting "J". We continued seeing each other almost every other day. We just couldn't seem to get enough of each other. A night that I remember fondly was right before we went to see 'Bed of Roses'. I drove over to pick him up with about a half an hour to spare before the beginning of the movie. I walked into his house and it was dark. I thought maybe he wasn't home from class yet or something. Then, his bedroom door opened. The candlelight lit up the entire living room. He was standing there, in the doorway when he said to me, "Hello beautiful. Do you know how much I've missed you?" I smiled and replied, "Not as much as I've missed you." I walked over to him, and he put his hands on my face and kissed me like he usually does. Soft, romantic, and just like you see them done on the soap operas. He picked me up, and placed me gently on his bed. We played on the bed, just kissing and looking at each other. Fully clothed, nothing inappropriate at all happened. He looked at me and said, "You look so beautiful in the candlelight. I am so lucky." My heart was about to beat out of my chest. I thought that I had to be dreaming. We made it to the movie with time to spare, and smiles that lit up the dark theater. "J" and I didn't have to go any farther than a kiss, that was enough to last us forever. "J" and I had become the "APO Couple" that everyone was talking about. We were always together, if we weren't we missed each other terribly. Here is another e-mail (one of my favorites) that he sent me while we were dating...
Paula~
How's the queen of my double-wide trailer? Wonderful as always??? I have been thinking of you all day. You are driving me crazy! But I like it!!! I can hardly wait for Thursday night. Until then, my love...
@--,-'--
--a rose for the most irresistible girl I know!
your cowboy
That Thursday night came, it was APO Movie Night. "J" ended up getting called into work. He sent me this e-mail before I left for the movie with the APO group.
Hi cutie~
I hope that you got some sleep last night? You need it. Don't worry so much about everything that is going on. You are handling it just fine. That is what is great about you--you are the Energizer Bunny and can get everything done (perfectly, too!!!) Not to mention having time to drive me absolutely crazy!!!! You're amazing. Well, I hope that you are having a wonderful day. Just promise me you won't have too much fun tonight since I'm not going to be there! See you soon.
miss ya lots--
jk
It was roughly two months into our relationship when things started going wrong. I was becoming very co-dependant, (due to my alcoholic father) and was smothering "J". I was driving him further and further away every day. As I was trying to get closer. I didn't see it. I was blind to my own destruction of this relationship. It wasn't much longer until "J" ended our relationship. I was lost. It was as if I had lost my best friend. I would cry every night, miss classes, try to avoid APO meetings at all costs because I couldn't stand to see "J" because it would only make me cry. I went to a meeting one night, in one of the rooms at the University. It was at the top of the highest building on campus, and I sat in a windowsill watching the sun set, and I remember the President asking me a question, and I just turned and replied that there was nothing to report when there was. At that moment, all I could think of was what happend, "J", and how I was going to go on.
"J" and I would not talk again until 1997 when I wrote him a letter telling him how sorry I was, and how I understood what I did wrong. "J" was in Montana. The place we both dreamed of being, and living someday. He was an exchange student at the University of Montana - Bozeman. I wrote the letter to apoligize, and to tell him just how much he meant to me. I never thought I would hear from him again, but I had to tell him I was sorry and that I would always love him. Two weeks later, I received a letter back from "J" it went as follows,
Dear Paula,
Hi! How are you doing? Wow, was I ever surprised when you wrote me. I appreciate what you said. That means a lot! But you shouldn't apologize for what happened. We all live and learn from what we have done in the past.
When I met you, you were amazing. I had never met someone who felt so much like I felt. When we talked that one night while I was at work, it kinda scared me how you felt exactly how I felt and wanted the same things I wanted. I had never had that happen before. I didn't know how to feel about it. You were exactly what I had been looking for.
Maybe we were too much alike! But I wouldn't change anything about that part of you. You have a wonderful plan for your life and I hope that you stick with your dreams. I did enjoy the time that we spent together very much. I still have that dang Macarena CD because of you! You are an amazing woman with all the energy you have to help people. I admired that. I wish that things didn't turn out as bad as they did between us.
Your friend,
"J"
There was more in this letter, but it was more about how he was doing in school, and how Montana was. I tried to keep in touch with "J" as much as I could. I would send him "care packages" at school, and would call him once in a while, but not too much. The one material thing that I sent him that we both had in our possession was a necklace with a silver coin on it with a big X in the middle of it. It is a rune stone, the X stands for "geba" which stands for luck in love and relationships. "J" came back to Eau Claire for New Years Eve 1997, and he had that necklace on as I had on mine. We sat and talked until the New Year came, and then it was time for me to leave. He kissed me, for the last time New Year's Day 1998 and I will never forget that kiss. "J" now lives in South Dakota, has the farm he always wanted, is not married and has no children. He has lived with a couple of women however, and I always seem to call to see how he is at the WRONG time. I sent him flowers last month (a wildflower mix), and the card read "X Marks The Spot". That is something he always said to me when he got the "X" necklace. He also said that it meant "I Cross My Heart". Our song...a song that will forever tie me to "J" as long as I live. I know in my mind that only God truly knows who my soul mate is, but in my heart it was and will always be "J". I may have had some really bad dates in my life, but I will always remember "J" as being one of the good ones. Who ever he chooses as a wife, she will be the luckiest woman in the world. This song is one that I hold close to my heart when I think of "J".
One More Day Last night I had a crazy dream A wish was granted just for me It could be for anything I didn't ask for money Or a mansion in Malibu I simply wished, for one more day with you
One more day One more time One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied But then again I know what it would do Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl Then I'd unplug the telephone And keep the TV off I'd hold you every second Say a million I love you's That's what I'd do, with one more day with you
Leave me wishing still, for one more day Leave me wishing still, for one more day
By: Diamond Rio |
|
|
